I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule:  When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house or shop is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird.. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?”

Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Oprah’s Mansion
John Travolta’s Mansion
J-Lo and Mark Anthony’s Mansion
Huge Heffner’s Play Boy Mansion
Tigers Wood’s Mansion

Newfoundland Ghost Story

This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s absolutely true.

This fellow was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, a car came toward him and stopped.

Without thinking, he got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car started to move very slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel.

The fellow, now paralyzed in terror, watched as the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, he managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car.

Without looking back, he ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet; exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken man, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech. Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.

Everyone listened in silence and became frightened, hairs standing on end when they realized the fellow was telling the truth.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, ‘Lard Thundern Jasus, me son, there’s the arsehole who got into the car while we were pushing it!’

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, “Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money at all!”

Murphy replied, “Don’t worry – just follow me.”

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said, “Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!”

Murphy replied with a smile, “Don’t worry, I have a plan , Cheers!”

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”

The barman noticed  them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said, “Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!”

Murphy replies, “How do you think I feel? I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”