Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351:“Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341:“Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft:” I said I was f**ing bored, not f**ing stupid!”

O’Hare Approach Control to a 747:“United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this. I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff.”

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German):” Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English):“If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English):“I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):“Because you lost the bloody war!”

Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7″
Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
BR Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern… We’ve already notified our caterers.”

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ” Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, — And I didn’t land.”

While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

“Wasn’t I married to you once?”

“Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin’ ’cause if they hear your Newfie accent, they might think we’re ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I’ll talk like I’m from Ontario so’s they don’t know.”

They go in and Garge says with his best fake Ontarian accent, “I’ll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and ….”

The owner of the shop interrupts, “You’re both from Newfoundland, aren’t you?”

“Well…yeah,” says a surprised Garge, “How come you know that?!”

The owner replied, “Cause this here’s a dry-cleaners.”

“Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Without numbers?” the Irishman says, “Dat is easy.” and proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks.

“Haven’t you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine,” says the newf.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time.”

The Newf stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Dere you go.”

The boss scratches his head and asks, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99.”

The boss starts getting worried that he’s actually going to have to give the Newfie the job, so he says, “All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

The Newfie stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Dere you go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

Whereby the Newfie leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: “A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So now you’ve got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. … So, when do I be starting me job me son?

Mainlander: “I’m here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your land rodents.”

Newfie looks down and sees the dead rabbit.

Newfie: “No problem, b’y. Hang’er down a few.”

Newfie goes to his truck and returns with an aerosol spray can. He empties the spray over the rabbit. He then chucks the empty can into the ditch and sez “There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay.” He gets in his truck and is gone.

The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops 10 feet and he’s gone into the woods.

The Mainlander was astounded!! Wondering what the Newfie did, he got the can out of the ditch and read the label, which said: “Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave”

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

All done? Check your answers below!

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? *116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? *Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? *Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? *November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? *Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? *Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name? *Albert

What color is a purple finch? *Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? *New Zealand

What do you mean you failed? Pass this on to some other “brilliant” friends…….grin