Well do I have a little story for you……..
I thought that I was going to be kidnapped and skinned and I wasn’t even dreaming. It all starts out at 3:30 this morning….
I went to bed at 10 last night because I was EXHAUSTED, Todd was moody and in those times that is the best place to be.
Well at 3:30 I awake to a BAD BAD smell, like septic, only worse. I reach over, no Todd, ok so it’s not his man smell. I know it’s not me, wait maybe I, no, that’s NOT me. I turn on the lamp, what do you know, but Elvis (one of our Newfie dogs) is staring right in my face and the smell seems to be coming from him. I yell out to Todd, he’s waiting for George(Our other Newfie dog) to come in as they were both just outside. Oh no! You know where this is going. Apparently there was a cat fight in the basement window area about 5 minutes prior. So Todd lets George in first before responding to my dying gasps for air in the bedroom. Only George gets in before him and I am sure he’s thinking, “weekend” lets dog pile mommy on the bed. So he does, I yell, and then Elvis jumps away from his stare and joins in on the fun, cause apparently my screams for help, “Get Down George and Down Elvis Down”, sound like, “Come here George , and Here Elvis here Elvis”. Todd finally decides to make an appearance and says, Jesus it stinks in here, so he shuts the FULLY OPEN WINDOW, (I just had to have it opened last night). I said, “Skunk Todd, the Dogs got sprayed”, he says, “nah”. Ok I can’t breathe at this point, jump out of the bed and run to the living room where the Patio door is open, only I can’t go out there cause guess what, IT STINKS out there too. Then I am acting like a retard and the world is ending and Todd put the semi stinky dogs on the deck. Ok relax, relax, but I can’t relax cause my mouth tastes like melted metal, with a side of crap. Ok time to breath, but wait my mouth , yuk the smell , I think, quick grab something to drink., Pepsi?, no it tastes like metal, Milk?, no never drink milk if you are poisoned. So I grab some Tapioca , apparently at 4am there is no milk in tapioca. Ok it was like eating the same smell that was killing me only with lumps. By this point I am standing with tears in my eyes and skunk tasting lumps in my mouth, so I spit that in the sink and run for the basement. Turns out, there was only one window open down there. The smell is faint. I grab a blanket, cover my head and get in the Lazy Boy.
I’m almost asleep when I smell it again. I am guessing at this point Todd let the dogs in. I look around no dogs, only thing I see is one little kitty sitting on the chair and again STARING. What’s with my animals and the staring. Ok so either the kitty was in the window or she was playing with the dogs. OMG, I am sick all over again. When I walk upstairs the smell almost knocks me over and at this point that would be the only humane thing to do. It’s now a little after 4am, I venture in to the computer room, nothing no smell, but, also no bed or chair, Damn! The window was closed in there and the dogs were not in there. I close the door and try to think no way I can stomach this much longer. I grab a shower and Todd’s all, “I can smell it now”. OMG!!! I said, “I am leaving!!!”, Todd wants to know where I am going at this hour, I told him. “ANYWHERE, I can’t stay here, I can’t do it”.
So its 5am and off to work I go. I never even dried my hair, I grab my bag, my purse, my skunk flavoured Tapioca and off I go. I seen two cars the whole way in and it took me 20 minutes to get to Orillia, but great it’s 5:20am. Where the hell am I going to go? I know A&P. I need lunch. Todd offered me some chicken but I swear I would taste Skunk on it. So in I go. There is 1 car in the lot, way in the back. There is no one in the store, so this is not so bad. I grab a few things, look around, read a few magazines, try to check my lottery tickets, machine is not even on yet, But I still taste/smell skunk. I look for some Febreeze for my clothes. I think it’s all in my head at this point, but whatever works. I can’t find any Febreeze and decide I am being overly crazy and decide to leave. I pay for my stuff and say to the checkout girl, “Can you smell anything?”, “Oh yes! I smell Skunk” she says. DAMN. Now I am just disgusted. I said, “me too”, and turn to leave. Well what do I see in line behind me but the UGLIEST TALLEST WOMAN I have ever seen with nasty long blonde hair and enough makeup to do an entire wedding party. She’s walking back and forth, in stilettos and a miniskirt that is SOOO short it shows the lines on the panty section of the pantyhose. I stop and stare because I am dumbfounded, then she looks at the clerk and in the DEEPEST MAN VOICE I have ever heard says, “Where’s the Afterbite”. WELL when I heard the voice, my mouth dropped open enough to sail the titanic in just like when I was watching Bruno. She/He/It seen me and I thought enough of this, I am outta here. I will admit that I did think of taking a picture, but only for a split second. Well She/He/It was outta there too because the Afterbite was right at the checkout. I am sure She/He/It followed my scent here. Cause She/He/It was parked RIGHT next to me. I can’t find my keys and She/He/It’s looking me up and down (it does not occur to me at this point , She/He/It’s probably wondering if I shat my pants). All I can think it OMG, She/he/It’s going to kidnap me and skin me. All this skin would make a perfect suit and I have some good skin. I mean I have LOTS of good skin. Granted I did before I started to smell like Pepe Le Pew. She/He/It walks by and I have my keys and boom I am in the car, doors are locked, breathe, breathe, (it’s still dark out by the way). OMG, I can’t breathe, the car it, It Smells like that same smell that woke me a mere 2 hours ago. But I can’t worry about that now. The guy from Silence of the Lambs is still parked in the car next to me, I hope he’s just putting on his Afterbite, but then I start thinking where is he putting it? God damn Gag Reflex ARGHH. I am NOT leaving until he leaves and I am NOT putting down a window, these windows don’t always work and can take a while to go back up I will smother myself in Skunk enclosure before someone’s throwing me in a well and forcing me to lose weight so he can dance around in my skin. She/He/It’s not leaving and I am not leaving, oh yeah and the phone is dead and I would not take the charger because the cord stunk. I guess about 5 minutes pass and he leaves, heads the opposite way that I am going, because I AM going the opposite way that he is going. I open the window, I can breathe and I still have all my skin. It’s not that bad.
Off to work, it’s a few minutes to 6am, have to go don’t want to be late for work.(shaking head at this point) I decide to take everything into work with me and try and figure out if one particular thing is smelling. When I get in I discover the bag and purse are so stinky. I empty them out and put them in a plastic garbage bag and tie it up, but wait I can still smell it, on my sweater, off that comes, on my t-shirt, off that comes(Glad I have a spare one here at my desk for buffet days). Oh no even on my bra, sorry about the visual, but off that comes too. I keep thinking to myself, please don’t let this be the day that the bats come back. It’s not too bad now, but even my shoes stink and it took me a while to figure that out, so they are in the bag too. Thankfully, I have spare ones here. So how’s that for a morning. I would go get a redbull or something but I have no bra, and that’s just not good, I have almost baited one man/woman/it today and that’s enough.
Have to go, I just farted and I think it smells like skunk…
100% true, the end.
