Newfoundland Ghost Story

This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s absolutely true.

This fellow was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, a car came toward him and stopped.

Without thinking, he got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car started to move very slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. Just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel.

The fellow, now paralyzed in terror, watched as the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve. Finally, although terrified, he managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car.

Without looking back, he ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet; exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken man, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech. Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.

Everyone listened in silence and became frightened, hairs standing on end when they realized the fellow was telling the truth.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, ‘Lard Thundern Jasus, me son, there’s the arsehole who got into the car while we were pushing it!’

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

The absence of a post-crash fire was due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured. The photograph below, taken at the scene, shows the extent of damage to her aircraft. She was very lucky.

1. Brush twice a day!

2. Dress right for the weather.
3. Visit the dentist regularly.
4. Get plenty of rest.
5. Make sure your hair is dry before going outside.
6. Eat right.
7. Get outside in the sun every once in a while.
8. Always wear a seatbelt.
9. Control your drinking of alcoholic beverages.
10. Smile!  It will make you feel better.
11. Don’t over indulge yourself.
12. Bathe regularly.
13. Read to exercise the brain.
14. Surround yourself with friends.
15. Stay away from too much caffeine.
17. Get plenty of exercise.
18. Have your eyes checked regularly.
19. Eat plenty of vegetables.
20. Believe that people will like you for who you are.
21. Forgive and forget.
22. Take plenty of vacations.
23. Celebrate all special occasions.
24. Pick up a hobby.
25. Love your neighbor as yourself.

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do they’re own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Newfoundlanders, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead!

Good old Newfie Christmas Tree

Garge and Buddy are walking down the street,and they see a sign on a store which reads, “Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair.”

Garge says to his pal, “Buddy, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take ‘em back to St. John’s, sell ‘em to our friends, and make a fortune.”

“Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin’ ’cause if they hear your Newfie accent, they might think we’re ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I’ll talk like I’m from Ontario so’s they don’t know.”

They go in and Garge says with his best fake Ontarian accent, “I’ll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I’ll back up my pickup and ….”

The owner of the shop interrupts, “You’re both from Newfoundland, aren’t you?”

“Well…yeah,” says a surprised Garge, “How come you know that?!”

The owner replied, “Cause this here’s a dry-cleaners.”